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Never Good Enough: Freeing Yourself from the Chains of Perfectionism by Monica Ramirez Basco
What does it say that when reading a book about perfectionism, I find myself thinking, “Man, I’m not a good enough perfectionist?”
I found the book a mixed bag: It’s a bit of, “Here’s everything, take what’s useful to you.” Which can be overwhelming, because there were definitely spikes of things that were very familiar, and then segments where I was going, “Why would anyone do that?”
I think a lot of my problem is that while she tries to give examples of classic types of perfectionists, none of them actually match me closely enough that I can really identify with a “type”. It’s all piecemeal. I can come up with ways that perfectionism helps me in life—mostly by my driving desire to get everything done at an acceptable standard—but she tends to emphasize that her example perfectionists are obsessed with details or doing tasks perfectly. I think I made my peace with my tendency to make stupid and careless errors decades ago; I just want to get everything done. It doesn’t have to be perfect, though I suppose it does need to be a certain level of “acceptable.”
There’s also a lot of emphasis on “outward-focused perfectionism” which I’m not sure how much I exhibit—though I suspect Jethrien can comment otherwise. Do I have high expectations for my friends? Sure. But my friends are also, on the whole, really smart, talented and hard-working. Expecting them to succeed is kinda like putting your money in treasury bonds: There’s also some small risk they’ll fail, but it’s as safe a bet as you’re ever going to find. I think I need to be aware of outward-facing perfectionism as a parent, but I don’t think it’s really what’s hurting me in everyday life.
I have issues of a double-standard for myself that it was nice to be able to get into. There are recurring references to thoughts like, “I must be perfect or else,” and “If I am perfect, then people will accept me.” (Of course, there’s a big difference between unpacking and acknowledging that these are irrational and actually managing to disbelieve them.)
“There is a right way and wrong way of doing things.” There’s a lot of emphasis on this as something all perfectionists believe, but I’m not sure I see it in many things. There are plenty of ways of doing most things that lead to good outcomes. You can do a load of laundry every day or five loads on Saturday; either way your clothes are clean. You might prefer one and I might prefer the other, but neither is necessarily bad unless it causes conflict between us. “Your kink is not my kink, but your kink is okay,” as it were. I suppose I could come up with “wrong” ways of doing things (for me) that don’t meet my standards for actually accomplishing whatever I set out to accomplish, but doesn’t that make this an impossibly broad characteristic? Is there anyone in the world who would claim that “never doing laundry” isn’t the wrong way to keep your clothes clean?
Several of the characters seem to have problems with assuming that other people think the same way they do, which I think is often the opposite of how I think: I resent years of assumptions that I should want what other people did; and tend to be surprised when I discover that someone else is thinking along the same lines as me. (Which doesn’t mean it isn’t still a problem of “mind reading”, just a different and apparently atypical one.)
One chapter specifically name-checks Feeling Good and gives a breakdown of the process of addressing automatic thoughts and cognitive distortions/thinking errors, including the common types. I was actually planning to re-read that, so I guess this saved me the trouble.
How much I’m actually able to do the exercises…well, we’ll see. I’m not actually very good at addressing and naming my emotions, especially when in the heat of them. And putting a percentile value to the “intensity” of an emotion? That’s an entirely imaginary concept to me.
I think a bunch of the basic advice about feeling overwhelmed is stuff that I’ve already done: I try to break overwhelming tasks into manageable pieces, and keep them in multiple to-do lists (near and long-term). I figured out the tasks that I didn’t want to do / was willing to outsource (housecleaning, for one) and now we pay someone to do it for us. Similarly, I think I made reasonable progress about refining my expectations back in therapy in 2012: My job isn’t the greatest in terms of fulfillment, but it gives me flexibility, freedom and plenty of money.
When she gets deep into the parenting stuff, I keep seeing things in this book that my parents did and not necessarily being sure that I can avoid them. (And done with the best of intentions, I’m sure. And yet.)
Overall: Well…it’s not perfect. But it might be a good start for me.
I found the book a mixed bag: It’s a bit of, “Here’s everything, take what’s useful to you.” Which can be overwhelming, because there were definitely spikes of things that were very familiar, and then segments where I was going, “Why would anyone do that?”
I think a lot of my problem is that while she tries to give examples of classic types of perfectionists, none of them actually match me closely enough that I can really identify with a “type”. It’s all piecemeal. I can come up with ways that perfectionism helps me in life—mostly by my driving desire to get everything done at an acceptable standard—but she tends to emphasize that her example perfectionists are obsessed with details or doing tasks perfectly. I think I made my peace with my tendency to make stupid and careless errors decades ago; I just want to get everything done. It doesn’t have to be perfect, though I suppose it does need to be a certain level of “acceptable.”
There’s also a lot of emphasis on “outward-focused perfectionism” which I’m not sure how much I exhibit—though I suspect Jethrien can comment otherwise. Do I have high expectations for my friends? Sure. But my friends are also, on the whole, really smart, talented and hard-working. Expecting them to succeed is kinda like putting your money in treasury bonds: There’s also some small risk they’ll fail, but it’s as safe a bet as you’re ever going to find. I think I need to be aware of outward-facing perfectionism as a parent, but I don’t think it’s really what’s hurting me in everyday life.
I have issues of a double-standard for myself that it was nice to be able to get into. There are recurring references to thoughts like, “I must be perfect or else,” and “If I am perfect, then people will accept me.” (Of course, there’s a big difference between unpacking and acknowledging that these are irrational and actually managing to disbelieve them.)
“There is a right way and wrong way of doing things.” There’s a lot of emphasis on this as something all perfectionists believe, but I’m not sure I see it in many things. There are plenty of ways of doing most things that lead to good outcomes. You can do a load of laundry every day or five loads on Saturday; either way your clothes are clean. You might prefer one and I might prefer the other, but neither is necessarily bad unless it causes conflict between us. “Your kink is not my kink, but your kink is okay,” as it were. I suppose I could come up with “wrong” ways of doing things (for me) that don’t meet my standards for actually accomplishing whatever I set out to accomplish, but doesn’t that make this an impossibly broad characteristic? Is there anyone in the world who would claim that “never doing laundry” isn’t the wrong way to keep your clothes clean?
Several of the characters seem to have problems with assuming that other people think the same way they do, which I think is often the opposite of how I think: I resent years of assumptions that I should want what other people did; and tend to be surprised when I discover that someone else is thinking along the same lines as me. (Which doesn’t mean it isn’t still a problem of “mind reading”, just a different and apparently atypical one.)
One chapter specifically name-checks Feeling Good and gives a breakdown of the process of addressing automatic thoughts and cognitive distortions/thinking errors, including the common types. I was actually planning to re-read that, so I guess this saved me the trouble.
How much I’m actually able to do the exercises…well, we’ll see. I’m not actually very good at addressing and naming my emotions, especially when in the heat of them. And putting a percentile value to the “intensity” of an emotion? That’s an entirely imaginary concept to me.
I think a bunch of the basic advice about feeling overwhelmed is stuff that I’ve already done: I try to break overwhelming tasks into manageable pieces, and keep them in multiple to-do lists (near and long-term). I figured out the tasks that I didn’t want to do / was willing to outsource (housecleaning, for one) and now we pay someone to do it for us. Similarly, I think I made reasonable progress about refining my expectations back in therapy in 2012: My job isn’t the greatest in terms of fulfillment, but it gives me flexibility, freedom and plenty of money.
When she gets deep into the parenting stuff, I keep seeing things in this book that my parents did and not necessarily being sure that I can avoid them. (And done with the best of intentions, I’m sure. And yet.)
Overall: Well…it’s not perfect. But it might be a good start for me.